I like doing things with my son Tyler. I will often make it a point to get out of town, get in the woods, go fishing, or just get alone with him. It is during these times that I attempt to pry a little bit into the mind and life of my teen aged wonder. We had one of these times last weekend and it was a good one. We had a very meaningful and painful conversation about memories. I asked Ty what his favorite memories were with me. We talked about times at camp, hunting stories, back packing trips, and fishing. This was fun!
I then asked him if he had any memories of me and his mother together. Silence followed and I had to pry a little. He was little when Nancy left (about 4) so I didn't know if he remembered anything or not. After a bit he said, ''Yes, I have some memories''. I asked what they were. He remembered vividly sitting on one of his riding toys and listening to Nancy and I fight.
This broke my heart. This made me stop and think again about the impact my selfishness had and has on this little boy. We talked for a bit about this memory and I apologized. I said I was sorry for the whole thing. It helped me understand better just how ugly divorce is. It helped me understand just how sinful I am and gave me a better glimpse of how big the gospel is.
I pray for the day we may be reunited again as a family. I pray that God will make me into a man that Nancy would be proud to call her husband (so long as that man is a godly one). I pray for the day that we will be able to make new memories. Happy memories. Godly memories. I rejoice that I serve a sovereign God. It is He that is in control and I trust in Him to do what is best for all of us. Are the above desires best for us? Are they selfish desires? I wrestle with these questions. I don't know the answers. I'm OK with that because I trust Him.
6 comments:
Your head and your heart sound like they are in the right place. I can only imagine how it hurt to hear Tyler's recounting of the fight. I could not help but think about the times that my kids heard my wife and I argue when they were smaller. But for the grace of God there go I, my friend. Seriously. Do you still have contact with his mother? I will pray for you in this situation. Thanks for sharing.
Jason,
My attitude towards Nancy is only by the grace of God. He is so good!
To answer your question, yes, I do have contact with Nancy. As a matter of fact her father is my pastor whom I have a great relationship with. As of recently I have been trying to do "family" things with Nancy and Ty. This tends to be uncomfortable. Nancy is not persuing a godly life, quite the opposite I'm affraid. We as a church have been bathing this situation in prayer. I do apprecaite your prayers as well brother! If you would like to hear more brother send your email and I will share. I hope that you and your family had a great Christmas! Where are you guys at anyway?
Wow Rob. Powerful post brother.
But, I rejoice that in that you modeled the gospel for your son. That is HUGE. You fessed up for whatever sin was there, you asked for forgiveness and he understands.
I'm reading "Age of Opportunity" now (Tripp) great book. In the book he says that we can't keep our kids from sinning - but we need to teach them how to deal with sin. You did that...I rejoice with you and your son that Christ's sacrifice has all of our sin nailed to the cross and we now have His righteousness!
thesanborn4@gmail.com
We live in central Florida.
Mike,
I too am reading that book! Great read!
Rob, may this year be the one in which our Father calls Nancy to Himself and restores your family in the process. Praying with you brother.
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